All of us are plagued by a "
disagreeable inner voice," which provides an inner dialogue of destructive thoughts toward ourselves and others. These "voices" not only do damage to our confidence and
self-esteem, they also wreak havoc on our intimate relationships. Through doubtful thinking, our disagreeable inner voice encourages our defenses and diminishes our trust in others. Sometimes these thoughts come in the form of self-attacks (i.e. "You're such an idiot, no wonder you're alone!"), other times they attack the objects of our affection (i.e. "He is so pathetic, why do you even like that jerk?"). Another way the voice operates is by providing
bad advice (i.e. "You can't trust anyone. Don't be too vulnerable or you will look like a fool.")
Listening to these "voices" and acting on their bad advice, creates a greater
fear of intimacy and puts distance between people in a relationship. Identifying specific things your disagreeable
inner voice says about you and your relationship is the first step toward breaking the pattern. Another effective technique I teach is "
response therapy," a process of verbalizing the the negative point of view of the disagreeable inner voice and then answering back to it with the "real-you" point of view, is an effective way to insure that this negative thought pattern doesn't continue to interfere with your relationship.
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