Friday, October 24, 2014

Toxic Behaviors that Wear You Out and Hurt Others




Toxic Behaviors that Wear You Out and Hurt Others

Your behavior is a little thing that makes a big difference.

In my line of work, I hear from hundreds of relationship challenges every month.  Through this experience, I’ve come across scores of toxic behaviors that push people away from each other.  And I’ve witnessed the devastation these behaviors cause – to relationships, to personal and professional growth, and to the general well-being of both the individual behaving negatively, and to everyone in their life.

Let’s be honest – we’ve all acted in toxic, damaging ways at one time or another.  None of us are immune to occasional toxic mood swings, but many people are more evolved, balanced and aware, and such occurrences happen only rarely in their lives. Whether your toxic behavior is a common occurrence, or just a once in a blue moon phenomena, it’s critical for your long-term happiness and success that you are able to recognize when you’re behaving negatively, and consciously shift your mindset when necessary.

The most common toxic behaviors I see are:

Being envious of everyone else. – Don’t let envy (or jealously) get the best of you.  Envy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own.  There is nothing attractive or admirable about this behavior.  So stop comparing your journey with everyone else’s.  Your journey is YOUR journey, NOT a competition.  You are in competition with one person and one person only – yourself.  You are competing to be the best you can be.  If you want to measure your progress, compare yourself to who you were yesterday.

Taking everything too personally. – People are toxic to be around when they believe that everything happening around them is a direct assault on them or is in some way all about them.  The truth is that what people say and do to you is much more about them, than you.  People’s reactions to you are about their perspectives, wounds and experiences.  Whether people think you’re amazing, or believe you’re the worst, again, is more about them.  I’m not suggesting we should be narcissists and ignore all feedback.  I am saying that so much hurt, disappointment and sadness in our lives comes from our taking things personally.  In most cases it’s far more productive and healthy to let go of other people’s good or bad opinion of you, and to operate with your own intuition and wisdom as your guide.

Acting like you’re always a victim. – Another toxic behavior is persistent complaining that fuels your sense of victimization.  Believing you’re a victim, that you have no power to exert and no power over the direction of your life, is a toxic stance that keeps you stuck.  Working as a relationship coach with people who have suffered major trauma in their lives but found the courage to turn it all around, I know we all have access to far more power, authority, and influence over our lives than we initially believe.  When you stop complaining, and refuse to see yourself as a helpless victim, you’ll find that you are more powerful than you realized, but only if you choose to accept this reality.

Hoarding pain and loss. – One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go – whether it’s guilt, anger, love or loss.  Change is never easy – you fight to hold on and you fight to let go.  But oftentimes letting go is the healthiest path forward.  It clears out toxic thoughts from the past.  You’ve got to emotionally free yourself from the things that once meant a lot to you, so you can move beyond the past and the pain it brings you.  Again, it takes hard work to let go and refocus your thoughts, but it’s worth every bit of effort you can muster.

Obsessive negative thinking. – It’s very hard to be around people who refuse to let go of negativity – when they ruminate and speak incessantly about the terrible things that could happen and have happened, the scorns they’ve suffered, and the unfairness of life.  These people stubbornly refuse to see the positive side of life and the positive lessons from what’s happening.  Pessimism is one thing – but remaining perpetually locked in a negative mindset is another.  Only seeing the negative, and operating from a view that everything is negative and against you, is a twisted way of thinking and living, and you can change that.

Lack of emotional self-control. – An inability to manage your emotions is toxic to everyone around you.  We all know these people – those who explode in anger and tears over the smallest hiccup or problem.  Yelling at the grocery store clerk for the long line, screaming at an employee for a small error she made, or losing it with your daughter for spilling juice on the floor.  If you find that you’re overly emotional, losing your cool at every turn, you may need some outside assistance to help you gain control over your emotions and understand what’s at the root of your inner angst.  There’s more to it than what appears on the surface.  An independent perspective – and a new kind of support – can work wonders. 

Making superficial judgments about others. – Don’t always judge a person by what they show you.  Remember, what you’ve seen is oftentimes only what that person has chosen to show you, or what they were driven to show based on their inner stress and pain.  Alas, when another person tries to make you suffer in some small way, it is usually because they suffer deep within themselves.  Their suffering is simply spilling over.  They do not need punishment or ridicule, they need help.  If you can’t help them, let them be.

Cruelty (or lacking empathy and compassion). – One of the most toxic behaviors – cruelty – stems from a total lack of empathy, concern or compassion for others.  We see it every day online and in the media – people being devastatingly unkind and hurtful to others just because they can.  They tear people down online in a cowardly way, using their anonymity as a shield.  Cruelty, backstabbing, and hurting others for any reason is toxic, and it hurts you as well.  If you find yourself backstabbing and tearing someone else down, stop in your tracks.  Dig deep and find compassion in your heart, and realize that we’re all in this together.

Cheating and cutting moral corners simply because you can. – Cheating is a choice, not a mistake, and not an excuse!  If you decide to cheat, and you succeed in cheating someone out of something, don’t think that this person is a fool.  Realize that this person trusted you much more than you ever deserved.  Be bigger than that.  Don’t do immoral things simply because you can.  Don’t cheat.  Be honest with yourself and everyone else.  Do the right thing.  Integrity is the essence of everything successful.

Hiding your truth. – People cannot connect with you if you’re constantly trying to hide from yourself.  And this becomes a truly toxic situation the minute they become attached to your false persona.  So remember, no matter what age, race, sex, or sexuality you are, underneath all your external decorations you are a pure, beautiful being – each and every one of us are.  We each have light to shine, and missions to accomplish.  Celebrate being different, off the beaten path, a little on the weird side, your own special creation.  If you find yourself feeling like a fish out of water, by all means find a new river to swim in.  But DO NOT change who you are; BE who you are.  Don’t deny yourself, improve yourself.  (Read The Untethered Soul.)

Needing constant validation. – People who constantly strive for validation by others are exhausting to be around.  Those men and women who get caught up in the need to prove their worth over and over and over, and constantly want to win over everyone around them, are unintentionally toxic and draining.  Know this.  Over-attaching to how things have to look to others can wear you out and bring everyone else around you down.  There is a bigger picture to your life, and it’s not about what you achieve in the eyes of the masses.  It’s about the journey, the process, the path – what you’re learning, how you’re helping others learn too, and the growing process you allow yourself to participate in.

Being a stubborn perfectionist. – As human beings, we often chase hypothetical, static states of perfection.  We do so when we are searching for the perfect house, job, friend or lover.  The problem, of course, is that perfection doesn’t exist in a static state.  Life is a continual journey, constantly evolving and changing.  What is here today is not exactly the same tomorrow – that perfect house, job, friend or lover will eventually fade to a state of imperfection.  But with a little patience and an open mind, over time, that imperfect house evolves into a comfortable home.  That imperfect job evolves into a rewarding career.  That imperfect friend evolves into a steady shoulder to lean on.  And that imperfect lover evolves into a reliable lifelong companion.  It’s just a matter of letting perfectionism GO.

Want more behavior advice like this? Get your copy Boys Lie Men Don't - Conversations and Thoughts on Relationships today and read more of how men and women can stop unintentionally hurting and draining each other.



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Tuesday, August 5, 2014

How Facebook Could Be Hurting Your Job Search!



It’s been said before that what you post on Facebook can ultimately determine the efficacy of your job search—that in many cases, what you post (or even what you don’t post) can cost you a job you might otherwise have landed. Consider this, though: According to a recent study, reported by Inside Facebook, a staggering 77 percent of all employers use Facebook to find candidates, while more than 20 percent will scrutinize Facebook profiles in order to screen candidates. Given these statistics, it is surely worth saying again: When you’re searching for employment, you must be careful about what you do or say on Facebook.

What exactly are some of the ways in which your Facebook profile can impede your career progress? According to our BLMD, LLC Publishing and Management team, some of the primary problems with a given Facebook profile include:
  • You’re too negative. It’s reasonable to assume that, if you’re in the market for a new job, you’re on some level unsatisfied where you currently work, and may even be downright unhappy there. That doesn’t give you license to take to Facebook and complain about your current employer, though. Employers need to see that you can be a positive member of their workforce, and a true team player—so complaining on Facebook is a huge turnoff.
  • You exhibit poor communication skills. Do u rite like this on FB? It could be trouble 4 your job search! Yes, Facebook is meant to be fun and casual on some level, but employers need to see some evidence that you can communicate in a professional and sophisticated way. Don’t give them reason to think otherwise.
  • You’re lying about your qualifications. This might sound obvious, but: Employers will surely take note of any contradictions between your resume and your Facebook profile. If you say on your resume that you have an advanced degree from a big-name school, but your Facebook profile only lists a two-year degree—well, that could be a warning sign. This isn’t necessarily a matter of lying on your profile, either; your career prospects may be hurt simply because you are incomplete or less-than-thorough in filling out your profile.
  • You post about drinking or taking drugs. We’re not here to judge you, but many employers will look down on you for this kind of thing—simple as that.
  • You post discriminatory comments. This is another thing that may seem obvious, and you may think nobody would ever do this—but statistics show that employers routinely weed out job candidates because they post offensive or inflammatory things on Facebook.
  • You don’t exhibit true professional depth. All of these potential pitfalls might make you think you’re better off just making your profile private—but not so fast: You can get a leg up on your competition by using Facebook to share insights or articles that relate to your line of work, thus proving that you’re serious about it and invested in it. In other words, you can use Facebook as a platform for proving your knowledge and your competence—which can make you that much more attractive to potential employers.
Want more realistic advice like this? Get your copy Boys Lie Men Don't - Conversations and Thoughts on Relationships today read more of how men and women mis-perceive one another compared to the way things really are.


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Saturday, July 26, 2014

MisPerception...





Each of us has the blessed gift of freedom to do as we wish. We must embrace this, while still maintaining the value of respecting and loving others choices as well. 

Live life by your terms. Everyone is meant to give life their own meaning. It does not mean one meaning is better than the other.

Please consider getting your copy Boys Lie Men Don't - Conversations and Thoughts on Relationships to read more of how men and women mis-perceive one another compared to the way things really are.

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Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Truths About Men and Women...



Are men really as obsessed with sex as women been led to believe? Do women like to make the first move under the sheets? Societal labeling says one thing, but what’s the real truth when it comes to men and women? 

With more than 23 years in private practice as a relationship coach helping clients overcome all kinds of personal obstacles and challenges, my clients have confided all sorts of deep dark secrets about their wants and desires. The biggest lesson I've learned: don’t buy into how men and women have been pigeon-holed into certain roles. In fact, much of what you've been led to believe about the opposite sex is the polar opposite of reality.

Some examples of what I will be elaborating on in the near future:

Men:
- Many men have said they don’t like to have sex every day, or as often as men have been portrayed as wanting to have sex.
- Men aren’t the cold-tough guys they appear to be. There is an emotional disconnect from their relationship when their spouse doesn’t compliment or praise them enough, thus less intimacy from the man.
- Many men have admitted they are not intimidated their spouse earns more money than they do. Men are not interested in their spouse's physical accomplishments.
- Men have secretly admitted that they like when their spouse decorates the house and even makes it more feminine, especially nowadays.  Men yearn for Miss Independant to come back to the feminine side - romance, communication, and providing extra support of him.

Women:
- Many women say they find it hot when their guy is not so stubborn and ask for help, ask for directions, and determination to accomplish something.  Though they may react frustrated, know it’s really a turn on because it shows confidence.
- Many women say they secretly like it when their men do the laundry or clean the house, even if they do a lousy job and mess everything up. It shows initiative.
- Many women have said that they find it sexy when they can make the first move and initiate sex, but are frustrated when they always want to be the dominating force.
- On the topic of weight: Many women said they want their men to be honest about how an outfit makes them look, even if he thinks it’s not flattering or makes her look big. They believe honesty says a lot about the man they are with.

Please consider getting your copy Boys Lie Men Don't - Conversations and Thoughts on Relationships to read more of how men and women mis-perceived one another compared to the way things really are. 









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Thursday, May 8, 2014

Sex Without Love...

Anybody remember George Michael’s 1987 hit song? The one that proclaimed: Sex is natural; sex is good; sex is best when it's one-on-one? Hmmm, but what happens when that one-on-one time gets stale, redundant and is nothing but going through the motions? Or worse, what if there is no intimacy at all in a relationship?


Sexless relationships aren’t just a made up story, but something that is more common than most couples will admit. However, the good news is as long as there are no medical issues to blame, there are plenty of natural techniques couples can try to heat things up again.


My  tips:

1. Write a letter to your partner: In the age of email and social media, we’ve lost the ability to connect on an emotional level. Get some really nice stationary and a pen, and in your best handwriting, in ink of your partner’s favorite color, tell him how much he means to you, how you can’t imagine your life without him and the qualities you find sexy about him.


2.Don’t just focus on sex: In most cases, there is a loss of an emotional connection between the couple. Before sex can take priority again, this connection must be remade. Engage in other activities that allow you precious time with your partner and strengthen emotional bonds. The tighter the emotional bonds the better sex will be. I hear couples say their best sex was in the beginning of their relationship, but that’s because there was likely a better emotional connection early on that has faded a bit with time and daily pressures of finances, kids and finding time for everything.


3. Reduce stress through touch: Have your partner lie down on his or her stomach with no clothes on. Start from the head and work your way down to his feet. Using a combination of gentle and firm movements, slowly cover every part of the body. At the same time, ask your partner to close his eyes, and whisper both positive and sexy thoughts into his ear. When the body is relaxed, brain wave levels are lowered and the mind is able to connect more effectively with the person in front of him. A relaxed body allows for better blood flow to the extremities which can lead to a stronger erection for men and increased sensations for women.


4. Spice it up: If your love making activities take all of five minutes and are limited to the bedroom, spice it up. See love making as an experience to share with your partner, not something to rush through. Find other places in the house to have sex, do it in the car or backyard, role play, experiment with sex toys and new positions. Basically, just make it fun and exciting. 


5. Be honest: Often times a couple will engage less frequently in sex because one of the partners doesn’t like something, but is afraid to speak up. Engaging in a sexual relationship should come with open lines of communication. Don’t be afraid to tell your partner what you like and don’t like.


Inspired by the chapter, Long Lasting Relationships, in my book, BLMD – Conversations And Thoughts On Relationships. Save 5% Instantly thru Amazon Today! Use this link to get the discount. It will appear at check out.





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Wednesday, April 23, 2014

United We Stand...



DIFFERENT has become a bad word.  We make funny assumptions about differences, like somehow the very concept demands an inequality. One MUST be better, smarter, stronger, cooler than the other.

This is just not the case.

Men and women are fundamentally different. From our brains to our hormones to our basic love needs to our communication styles, we are different. Let’s celebrate that!

When you learn how to accept, honor, and find compassion for your differences, you create more peace, equality, mutual respect, and profound love in all your relationships.

It takes more than good intentions and a dream to tap into the MOST rewarding experience a human can have in a lifetime. It takes practical, realistic, clear steps of action and understanding (which I happen to be full of) and I can’t wait to share them with you!

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Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Secretly Men Looking For In Women...



Ladies, over-stand that your Beauty and Value are NOT defined by how you look or what you own. To Real MEN your beauty and value is defined by your Substance (the real you) and your ability to RECEIVE love.

Please, stop drawing your cues from other women. That's YOU looking and desiring big butts, huge breasts, weave hairstyles, imitating lifestyles of other women and thinking that's what WE want?!  Well, its' NOT. Real MEN appreciate the small things and you do NOT need to wear a full face of makeup and all those "goodies." Period!

Real MEN take pride in his Woman! He will sacrifice EveryThing if it will put a smile on his woman's face. Consider us, our feelings, our situations, and the fact that we want to be respected EXACTLY how you want to be respected and watch our World open up to you. Understand that the way you treat others (and YOURSELF) dictates the way others treat (react to) you.

Bottomline, Real Men need to be Appreciated. Many of women tend to take their partners for granted. Women need to learn to say, "Babe, you're the best at this, or look at you! Look how you mowed my lawn! You're the best lawn mower in the state!" Sounds extreme? Well, he isn't no more interested in what kind of heels you're wearing - if he likes you in heels at all.

Why? Men think, Women feel.  Men speak headlines and Women speak in fine print. Women should learn to read the headlines and NOT press for details.  Like stop being pushy for the details to his answer when you ask a question.  It's okay to ask your man, "What do you think about that?" He might say, "It's fine." But don't get pushy if you're expecting more of an answer, because they're might not be one.

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Thursday, February 27, 2014

Quote Of The Day!

Boys Lie Men Don't Quote Of The Day!

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Thursday, February 6, 2014

WE ALL NEED TO MATTER (TO OURSELVES) FIRST!



Quite often I speak with people who have a very hard time putting themselves first. Not only putting themselves first, but putting themselves anywhere other than last, of mattering at all to themselves.

They feel a need or compulsion, or perhaps have developed a habit of caring for others, of giving until they literally have nothing left. They consistently put themselves last. There is a difference between helping the responsible and knowing when you are being used. It's only by saying "no" that you can concentrate on the things that are really important. 

Some of the most rewarding experiences I have in speaking with people is when they learn that they too are freely given respect, kindness, friendship and love; never chased love and approval from others and most importantly love from themselves, towards themselves.

"Don't forget that YOU matter. When you say "yes" to others make sure you are NOT saying "no" to yourself!" 

You matter, you really and truly do. Putting yourself first and or at least in the equation, doesn't make you a bad person or any less of a giver or a kind soul. It simply means you are learning to be a kind soul to your own soul, to your own self.

So put yourself first sometimes, make a new habit of it even and you'll thank yourself later.

SAY YES TO YOU AND YOUR NEEDS, SHOW YOURSELF THAT YOU MATTER (you really do).


It will affect all areas of your life when you do so for you will no longer be willing to be anyone's doormat and you will not accept anything less than good things for: YOU.

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Friday, January 24, 2014

Break-up and Relationship Expert - Dr. Daniyel




More than 50% of marriages in America end in divorce after a loving relationship of a mere 5 years, Dr. Daniyel Willis, sadly points out that statistic. While others trying to cope with the agony of their break-up, Dr. Daniyel, new study of health practitioners, realized that there is a huge community dealing with the same obstacles. He vowes to turn what seemed like a negative event into a proactive and optimistic life transition.


"Supporting each other is really important. It's so easy to be disrespectful. Recognizing your personal responsibility is one of the most powerful ways of establishing and validating trust. Make note, males do not have much of a challenge with resentment. However ladies, males close to you have to get lots of messages that he is successful to stay motivated!"


BoysLieMenDont.com is an outlet that offers advice from Dr. Daniyel’s personal experiences, and also includes a variety of tips from other sources, providing insights into the vast realm of break-ups and relationships in general.


Some of his recent relationship advice tips include:
·       Are You in a Parasitic Relationship?
·    Your Gut can tell you if a Relationship is Right
·       Ways Women Sabotage Themselves when Dating
·      Breaking The Bad Date Cycle
·     Common Problems Daters Encounter after Break-ups
And more!

We would love to put you in touch with Dr. Daniyel, so that he can provide you with advice and commentary for any relationship story you are currently working on. Kindly let us know of your interest. We truly look forward to your response!
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Friday, January 10, 2014

Intellect And Mind VS The Heart...



 Most people try to avoid expressing what’s in their heart. Today more men want to acknowledge their feelings in the first place because of the desire to bring women closer and women suppress them as not to be vulnerable. Because one may care more about a person the more complicated the relationship get.

My advice is to just talk about your feelings from day one! If you're not honest about your feelings in the beginning of the relationship it's probably sure not to work anyway!

If you CARE to be in a committed relationship, SPEAK UP! Don't bite your tongue and wake up two or three years from now still in a casual and sexual relationship. Most importantly, get clarity that your partner wants the same!

Men, if you FEEL like you just want to have a sexual relationship with no strings attached, FORGET ABOUT IT! Women can’t continue to create sexual and chemical bonds with you and allow uncertainty. It's not fair and its bad assumption even if the woman thinks it’s possible!

If you CARE enough to settle down, get married and/or have children, LET IT BE KNOWN! Do NOT waste your time with someone who doesn't want what you want?

And lastly, if you FEEL unappreciated, don't allow another day to pass without having a “CARE-frontation.” Without accusing your partner, share your experiences (information) that’s going to Enhance, Heal, Grow, and Advance the relationship.

What you FEEL is important write on paper first! Fear, Resentment, and Avoidance of Confrontation can be eliminated once you are “willing to be wrong about what you thought the person might say, do, respond or what you thought was going on.”  You miss the essentials when YOU want to be right and prove the other person wrong!

Inspired the chapter, Communication Is The Key, in my book, BLMD – Conversations And Thoughts On Relationships. Save 5% Instantly thru Amazon Today! Use this link to get the discount. It will appear at check out.








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Monday, January 6, 2014

Quote Of The Day!

Boys Lie Men Don't Quote Of The Day!

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Want to read more great quotes?

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