Friday, August 23, 2013

A Few Dating Tips For Introverts


A Few Dating Tips For Introverts

Everyone's a little introverted. Everyone's a little extroverted. And everyone can work better by embracing both qualities. Because we're constantly projecting our experience upon others, imagining that they take in the world in the same way that we do--which is why, curiously, we tend to hire people who are just like us. So if we're going to really relate with the other -verts, we need to understand their axis. Let me suggest for starters:
Embrace You! You are who you are! Love you and claim you! Women love a confident man at her core. Take a deep breath, look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are amazing!
Recalibrate your self awareness. If you know you have some nerdy tendencies that have alienated women in the past, get a dating coach to give you an objective perspective about how you come across. A great one will work with your strengths and tweak your outer package.

Get sound feedback about how you look and dress. Let’s be honest about the fact that there are many cerebral types that are out of touch about their sense of fashion. For better or worse we are visual creatures and having a fashion foot in the 21st century will go a long ways with attracting the woman of your dreams.

Learn How To Approach Women-Remember men, it is your birthright to approach women. You must embrace this to its fullest and take the plunge as often as you are inspired. For example, every time you see a woman that you are attracted to find a way to walk up to her and ask her out. Easier said than done, I know. This will take practice, but start seeing yourself do this in your mind.

Remember the art of love is rooted in the law of averages. You must come to terms with the fact that persistence and repetition in the arena of dating is a must.

 Listen and Ask appropriate questions. Most of us need to practice being good listeners and ask thoughtful questions that show her you are not self absorbed.

If you can burn these tips into your brain, you will have more of a fair shot at getting a first and second date! I wish you well! Stay optimistic!

Want to know more?

Read More from Dr. Daniyel Willis on relationships in BLMD - Conversations and Thoughts on Relationships

Dr. Daniyel Willis is conducting the free webinars "You Must Learn To Love More" on BlogTalkRadio from 11:30am - 12pm EST.  Click here to learn more or to register.

Purchase from Amazon

Thank you in advance your support. Please continue to visit our weblog for updates and invite Dr. Daniyel to your next event.

Like us on Facebook Follow us on Twitter

Monday, August 19, 2013

What Do You Do Out of Shame or Guilt?


Think happy thoughts. Sometimes it's just that easy but it can take training. Become confident in yourself to train your brain to move past shame and guilt feelings.

Most Shame and Guilt may be subtedly be suggested from another causing you to feel sad, blue, unhappy, miserable, or down in the dumps. Most of us feel this way at one time or another for short periods.

True shame and guilt has been described as clinical depression which is a mood disorder in which feelings of sadness, loss, anger, or frustration interfere with everyday life for weeks or longer.

I recently realized that I was doing a lot of things out of obligation, feelings of shame and guilt, or just a general feeling that if I didn’t do something, I would have bad karma—or worse yet, that people would stop liking me and inviting me to things. I live in Northern Virginia, a partly cloudy, cool place with lots of foreigners and a few of things to do most of the time. With the invitations that are forthcoming, it is sometimes difficult but necessary to say no. In order to maintain a semblance of sanity and self, one must pick and choose when to say “yes” and when to say “no.” Ideally, when saying “no,” we won’t have to worry about being rejected or left out, missing out, or losing friendships.

This problem also happens in the context of intimate relationships and is very real. Within relationships, there is an intrinsic fear of losing our partner. “If I don’t go along with what my partner wants, they may find someone better.” There is fear of being seen in a bad light, of not compromising, not letting our partner live their life, judgment by our in-laws, and more. And sometimes these fears are so deeply ingrained in our being that it’s hard to even recognize when it’s happening.

The negative side effects of doing something out of guilt, duty, shame or obligation are the feelings that we are left with: the after-effects that jeopardize our relationship because they build on anger, resentment, and frustration. The things we do out of guilt or shame don’t pay a lot of dividends. Instead, they leave us feeling bereft and unheard and can lead to martyrdom: the “I do so much for you, but what have you done for me lately?” phenomenon—also known as playing the victim. In the recovery world of mood-altering drugs, it’s known as enabling or codependence. Doing things that you really don’t want to do because you feel as though you are supposed to is a ticket to disaster.

So how do you break this cycle?

Well, first you have to get to know yourself. Sometimes in the midst of all these desires and fears it is hard to get to the core of who we are, what we need, and what will be best for us right now. I’ve devised a quick list for you to get on your way to knowing yourself, knowing your needs, and then standing up for them—in a nice way that doesn’t offend, hurt, or piss people off.
  • Remove “yes” and “sure” as automatic responses from your vocabulary. We live in a society of politeness and niceties, but this doesn’t mean we have to be the “yes” man or “sure, why not?” woman all the time. Instead of saying “yes” all the time, try saying “Let me think about that”—and then really do think about it. Is this something you want to do? Do you have time to do it? Ask yourself some important questions before making a rash decision.
  • Make a list of your priorities in life. Do this right now. Get out a piece of paper and write down the top 10 things you would drop anything for today. Is it your job, your relationship, your house, your kids, your art, your parents? Prioritize your list, and when an opportunity comes up, compare it to this list. Where does this new opportunity fall? Are you willing to take time out of your busy schedule to do this? How important is this to you? Really think about something before you commit yourself to doing it.
  • Learn to say “no.” Obviously, this is the biggest one. Learning to say “no” is hard for a lot of people, but the high point is this: you will get more respect if you know yourself and come honestly with a firm “no.” You don’t need to explain why the answer is “no.” A simple “I can’t at this time” should be fine.
  • Think about the answer before making the commitment in the first place. Avoid saying “no” after you have already said “yes.” Saying “no” after you have already made a commitment is trickier. Sure, you can always get out of something you don’t really want to do, but the stakes are a little higher because the other person’s expectation is already there.
  • Manage your emotions. A lot of times we avoid saying “no” because we feel bad. We worry we might hurt the other person’s feelings or have to deal with negative repercussions about their feelings towards us. We need to recognize that they will get over it. Most people are resourceful and will figure out how to get their needs met in the event you cannot meet their needs for them. It isn’t always our responsibility to fix things and take care of things for people—including our partners—just because they need it. If it doesn’t bode well for us, either in the moment or in general, we need to be okay with saying “no” and then not feeling bad or guilty about it.
Repeat the steps above. If you find yourself saying “yes” to things you don’t really want to do, ask yourself what you are getting out of it and why you keep repeating this pattern. Things like fear of losing the relationship or guilt are often ideas we perpetuate for ourselves that don’t have a lot of basis in reality. Knowing yourself and learning to avoid sticky situations that lead to guilt, shame, anger, frustration, and resentment are the keys to healthy, happy, and functional relationships.

Purchase from Amazon

Thank you in advance your support. Please continue to visit our weblog for updates and invite Dr. Daniyel to your next event.

Like us on Facebook Follow us on Twitter