A Few Dating Tips For Introverts

 

A Few Dating Tips For Introverts

Everyone's a little introverted. Everyone's a little extroverted. And everyone can work better by embracing both qualities. Because we're constantly projecting our experience upon others, imagining that they take in the world in the same way that we do--which is why, curiously, we tend to hire people who are just like us. So if we're going to really relate with the other -verts, we need to understand their axis. Let me suggest for starters:

Embrace You! You are who you are! Love you and claim you! Women love a confident man at her core. Take a deep breath, look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are amazing!

Recalibrate your self awareness. If you know you have some nerdy tendencies that have alienated women in the past, get a dating coach to give you an objective perspective about how you come across. A great one will work with your strengths and tweak your outer package.

Get sound feedback about how you look and dress. Let’s be honest about the fact that there are many cerebral types that are out of touch about their sense of fashion. For better or worse we are visual creatures and having a fashion foot in the 21st century will go a long ways with attracting the woman of your dreams.

Learn How To Approach Women-Remember men, it is your birthright to approach women. You must embrace this to its fullest and take the plunge as often as you are inspired. For example, every time you see a woman that you are attracted to find a way to walk up to her and ask her out. Easier said than done, I know. This will take practice, but start seeing yourself do this in your mind.

Remember the art of love is rooted in the law of averages. You must come to terms with the fact that persistence and repetition in the arena of dating is a must.

 Listen and Ask appropriate questions. Most of us need to practice being good listeners and ask thoughtful questions that show her you are not self absorbed.

If you can burn these tips into your brain, you will have more of a fair shot at getting a first and second date! I wish you well! Stay optimistic!

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What Do You Do Out of Shame or Guilt?

 

Think happy thoughts. Sometimes it's just that easy but it can take training. Become confident in yourself to train your brain to move past shame and guilt feelings.

Most Shame and Guilt may be subtedly be suggested from another causing you to feel sad, blue, unhappy, miserable, or down in the dumps. Most of us feel this way at one time or another for short periods.

True shame and guilt has been described as clinical depression which is a mood disorder in which feelings of sadness, loss, anger, or frustration interfere with everyday life for weeks or longer.

I recently realized that I was doing a lot of things out of obligation, feelings of shame and guilt, or just a general feeling that if I didn’t do something, I would have bad karma—or worse yet, that people would stop liking me and inviting me to things. I live in Northern Virginia, a partly cloudy, cool place with lots of foreigners and a few of things to do most of the time. With the invitations that are forthcoming, it is sometimes difficult but necessary to say no. In order to maintain a semblance of sanity and self, one must pick and choose when to say “yes” and when to say “no.” Ideally, when saying “no,” we won’t have to worry about being rejected or left out, missing out, or losing friendships.

This problem also happens in the context of intimate relationships and is very real. Within relationships, there is an intrinsic fear of losing our partner. “If I don’t go along with what my partner wants, they may find someone better.” There is fear of being seen in a bad light, of not compromising, not letting our partner live their life, judgment by our in-laws, and more. And sometimes these fears are so deeply ingrained in our being that it’s hard to even recognize when it’s happening.

The negative side effects of doing something out of guilt, duty, shame or obligation are the feelings that we are left with: the after-effects that jeopardize our relationship because they build on anger, resentment, and frustration. The things we do out of guilt or shame don’t pay a lot of dividends. Instead, they leave us feeling bereft and unheard and can lead to martyrdom: the “I do so much for you, but what have you done for me lately?” phenomenon—also known as playing the victim. In the recovery world of mood-altering drugs, it’s known as enabling or codependence. Doing things that you really don’t want to do because you feel as though you are supposed to is a ticket to disaster.

So how do you break this cycle?

Well, first you have to get to know yourself. Sometimes in the midst of all these desires and fears it is hard to get to the core of who we are, what we need, and what will be best for us right now. I’ve devised a quick list for you to get on your way to knowing yourself, knowing your needs, and then standing up for them—in a nice way that doesn’t offend, hurt, or piss people off.

• Remove “yes” and “sure” as automatic responses from your vocabulary. We live in a society of politeness and niceties, but this doesn’t mean we have to be the “yes” man or “sure, why not?” woman all the time. Instead of saying “yes” all the time, try saying “Let me think about that”—and then really do think about it. Is this something you want to do? Do you have time to do it? Ask yourself some important questions before making a rash decision.
• Make a list of your priorities in life. Do this right now. Get out a piece of paper and write down the top 10 things you would drop anything for today. Is it your job, your relationship, your house, your kids, your art, your parents? Prioritize your list, and when an opportunity comes up, compare it to this list. Where does this new opportunity fall? Are you willing to take time out of your busy schedule to do this? How important is this to you? Really think about something before you commit yourself to doing it.
• Learn to say “no.” Obviously, this is the biggest one. Learning to say “no” is hard for a lot of people, but the high point is this: you will get more respect if you know yourself and come honestly with a firm “no.” You don’t need to explain why the answer is “no.” A simple “I can’t at this time” should be fine.
• Think about the answer before making the commitment in the first place. Avoid saying “no” after you have already said “yes.” Saying “no” after you have already made a commitment is trickier. Sure, you can always get out of something you don’t really want to do, but the stakes are a little higher because the other person’s expectation is already there.
• Manage your emotions. A lot of times we avoid saying “no” because we feel bad. We worry we might hurt the other person’s feelings or have to deal with negative repercussions about their feelings towards us. We need to recognize that they will get over it. Most people are resourceful and will figure out how to get their needs met in the event you cannot meet their needs for them. It isn’t always our responsibility to fix things and take care of things for people—including our partners—just because they need it. If it doesn’t bode well for us, either in the moment or in general, we need to be okay with saying “no” and then not feeling bad or guilty about it.

Repeat the steps above. If you find yourself saying “yes” to things you don’t really want to do, ask yourself what you are getting out of it and why you keep repeating this pattern. Things like fear of losing the relationship or guilt are often ideas we perpetuate for ourselves that don’t have a lot of basis in reality. Knowing yourself and learning to avoid sticky situations that lead to guilt, shame, anger, frustration, and resentment are the keys to healthy, happy, and functional relationships.

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Multitasking Could Be Your Problem...



MULTITASKING COULD BE YOUR PROBLEM!

Why is it that between 25% and 50% of people report feeling overwhelmed or burned out at work?

It's not just the number of hours we're working, but also the fact that we spend too many continuous hours juggling too many things at the same time.

What we've lost, above all, are stopping points, finish lines and boundaries. Technology has blurred them beyond recognition. Wherever we go, our work follows us, on our digital devices, ever insistent and intrusive. It's like an itch we can't resist scratching, even though scratching invariably makes it worse.

Tell the truth: Do you answer email during conference calls (and sometimes even during calls with one other person)? Do you bring your laptop to meetings and then pretend you're taking notes while you surf the net? Do you eat lunch at your desk? Do you make calls while you're driving, and even send the occasional text, even though you know you shouldn't?

The biggest cost -- assuming you don't crash -- is to your productivity. In part, that's a simple consequence of splitting your attention, so that you're partially engaged in multiple activities but rarely fully engaged in any one. In part, it's because when you switch away from a primary task to do something else, you're increasing the time it takes to finish that task by an average of 25%.

But most insidiously, it's because if you're always doing something, you're relentlessly burning down your available reservoir of energy over the course of every day, so you have less available with every passing hour.

I know this from my own experience. I get two to three times as much writing accomplished when I focus without interruption for a designated period of time and then take a real break, away from my desk. The best way for an organization to fuel higher productivity and more innovative thinking is to strongly encourage finite periods of absorbed focus, as well as shorter periods of real renewal.

If you're a manager, here are three policies worth promoting:

1. Maintain meeting discipline. Schedule meetings for 45 minutes, rather than an hour or longer, so participants can stay focused, take time afterward to reflect on what's been discussed, and recover before the next obligation. Start all meetings at a precise time, end at a precise time, and insist that all digital devices be turned off throughout the meeting.

2. Stop demanding or expecting instant responsiveness at every moment of the day. It forces your people into reactive mode, fractures their attention, and makes it difficult for them to sustain attention on their priorities. Let them turn off their email at certain times. If it's urgent, you can call them -- but that won't happen very often.

3. Encourage renewal. Create at least one time during the day when you encourage your people to stop working and take a break. Offer a midafternoon class in yoga, or meditation, organize a group walk or workout, or consider creating a renewal room where people can relax, or take a nap.

It's also up to individuals to set their own boundaries. Consider these three behaviors for yourself:

1. Do the most important thing first in the morning, preferably without interruption, for 60 to 90 minutes, with a clear start and stop time. If possible, work in a private space during this period, or with sound-reducing earphones. Finally, resist every impulse to distraction, knowing that you have a designated stopping point. The more absorbed you can get, the more productive you'll be. When you're done, take at least a few minutes to renew.

2. Establish regular, scheduled times to think more long term, creatively, or strategically. If you don't, you'll constantly succumb to the tyranny of the urgent. Also, find a different environment in which to do this activity -- preferably one that's relaxed and conducive to open-ended thinking.

3. Take real and regular vacations. Real means that when you're off, you're truly disconnecting from work. Regular means several times a year if possible, even if some are only two or three days added to a weekend. The research strongly suggests that you'll be far healthier if you take all of your vacation time, and more productive overall. A single principle lies at the heart of all these suggestions. When you're engaged at work, fully engage, for defined periods of time. When you're renewing, truly renew. Make waves. Stop living your life in the gray zone.

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The Business Of LOVING...

It's funny...I hear so many women who complain that they shoulder all the responsibility in the relationship and I get so many guys who say they do all the work! Both parties must agree that this business of love and relationships takes effort from everyone involved! I feel like once we accept the idea that love isn't supposed to be seamless and easy then we can all calm down and accept the "burden" of responsibility. Because, ultimately, the pay off of being in a successful, loving, and passionate relationship makes it all worth it.

The responsibility comes from one's self and from there the partnership takes on a natural flow of responsibility where two people are collaborators and not co-dependents seeking validation for the responsibility they project is needed from another. Just take responsibility for your self, do your work and the relationship will do its work. So many people want to be in relationship and yet so few couples really learn or want to relate.  It's up to you.

I love to take long walks with my lady. Sure my legs and lungs complain sometimes but the talking and sites along the way is always worth it. In the words of my mother's favorite empowering standards," "Anything Worth Having Is Worth Working For."

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Male Behavior Women Will Not Tolerate...

Relationship Question

Submitted by Ricardo F on June 20th, 2013

I find that some women who have that "perfect dress" always looking for another. Explain that. Also I got this quote from u "women will always give the most to the guy who give them the least" why so?????

Men and woman think totally different. What makes women look for another? Believe it or not, it tends to be the little things that make women the most satisfied in relationships. Allow me to share

 some insights on what women want:

Time: Of all the things we talk about women wanting, time with their man is it! The vast majority of women in happy relationships get 30 minutes of uninterrupted time with their man each day. Twenty-four percent of women who claim to be in unhappy relationships spend fewer than five minutes a day with their man.

Ask yourself, “How much time do I spend with my mate?” Uninterrupted time means time spent without iPhones and Blackberrys — a conversation with nothing else on.

Appreciation: Nowadays, women take care of the children and make salaries, and they tend to be very under-appreciated. Women should be expressive of what makes them feel appreciated, saying, “These are the kinds of things I like … x, y and z.” Men should listen, and women should tune in when their man are appreciative!

Understanding: It’s important for women to have men who understand them. It’s also important for women to help men understand how to listen. Men often don’t have a clue they’re being bad listeners.

Women have to sense a time limit to conversation. More often than not, men are sitting there thinking, “When is this going to end?” I would say 15 to 20 minutes, max. Women should say to their husbands, “It’s 8:00 p.m.; I need you to listen until 8:20 p.m.” Women may deserve 10 hours, but most men are not the best at listening to serious, emotional conversations that go on.

Fun: This is one of those things that often go out the window, especially after the being involved awhile. All the factors like jobs, rents or mortgages can add to relationship strain. Couples should set up a date night — once every week, even if you are tired — during which they spend a minimum of two hours alone. During this time, the couple should talk about everything BUT work, money and children.

Kind Gestures: Hugs, kisses, unexpected telephone calls to say "I love you" Simple things. I suggest five touch points a day for one week — any kind gesture that takes 30 seconds or less. If a man can do this for his partner for one week, both can be amazed at how much better they feel in the relationship.

Now, Women will give the most to guys who give the least because:

They want what they can't get: Nothing turns a woman off more than a needy partner. After all if a guy kept running after a woman then she will assume that he is desperate and because women are biologically wired to get attracted to the strong man that needy type turns them off completely. (Women like cocky men.)

They want a challenge: Most women want a challenge that can help them get a self-esteem boost. Nothing can make a woman feel better about herself than taming that wild guy who isn't emotionally available. In other words, women go for these men hoping to change them to the better but they usually find themselves stuck.

Biological wiring: Women are designed to look for confident, charismatic, dominant and risk taking men. Because the nice guy usually doesn't advertise any of these traits he usually ends up being a good friend rather than a desired sexual partner.

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Guy's first impressions are girl's worst enemy!

So, you have the worst luck with guys.  Your past boyfriends have been complete jerks.  Your family and friends may say "you just have to wait" but you beg to differ!  You don't want to be single forever. Well, allow me to help with your confusion and break the monotony.

Let's take shopping for the perfect date dress at the department store you love.  When you check out your options most time they narrow down to two: super conservative or slutty, more likely neither of which appeal to you.  However, no matter how many racks you go through there don't seem to be a middle ground.  Well, figuring since you out and about, why not give a few a try. To your surprise you find a "conservative" black and white dress may prove worth your effort. On your body, with the right pair of shoes, the "conservative" dress transformed itself into exactly what you were looking for...classy, sexy, and flirty.

Well, it seems the male world is separated into two distinct and frustrating options... Nerd and Jerk!  But the uplifting news is that if dresses aren't that simple, people certainly aren't, no matter how they appear.

Before you bust open these stereotypes, I want to validate your frustration.  It's no bad luck that makes the so-called Hot Guys players, unsuitable and jerk boyfriends. Obviously there are exceptions (Me!) but there is a pattern to acknowledge.  Most so-called hot guys have an easy time with the ladies.  Girls flirt with THEM so they haven't need to learn to pursue and EARN the woman's affection.  If you don’t have to risk your heart to gain a girl’s attention then why bother being sensitive, vulnerable, kind, gentlemanly, considerate etc.? It’s hard work and kind of scary. This attitude toward relationships will make the so-called "hottie” cocky, lazy, and inconsiderate! Thus, a jerk!

Also, it's no coincidence that the so-called nerds have a reputation for being good boyfriends. The geekiest of nerds are usually terrified to talk to girls. Girls don’t give them a lot of attention so they are completely in the dark as to how to approach and relate to one. This is why this type of guy can come across as awkward and unattractive. But when given a chance, these boys are eager to win your affection and can be great boyfriends when you give direction and show them how.

While there is reason to separate men into two categories, I don't advise it. As long as you see them that way, you will continue to experience them that way.

Here's the deal, when it comes to women, your attraction for men does not lie in the looks department. Right? Of course, initially looks and confidence or lack thereof is the only information you get about someone new. However if you base all your decisions on your initial experience of a guy then you will only feel attracted to hot and confident men and you will feel like you are sacrificing something by going for the nerdy awkward men. But your true attraction doesn’t lie in these fleeting impressions. It lies in how a man behaves with you over time: how he listens, how he makes you laugh, how talented, capable, charming, thoughtful and considerate he is.

If you stay open-minded with the guys you “try on” and give them the chance to show you their good qualities, you may see them in a new, more attractive light. Just as a dress may look a certain way on the hanger and a different way once you put it on, a man can appear to be one thing and transform completely in the arms of the girl he loves. So give these guys a chance: “jerk” and “nerd” alike.

And don’t you dare settle for less than a caring guy who treats you right!

Daniyel S. Willis
INFO@BOYSLIEMENDONT.COM

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Boys Lie Men Dont | Blog Talk Radio

BLMD Learn To Care 06/10 by Boys Lie Men Dont | Blog Talk Radio

Dr. Daniyel Willis is conducting the free webinars "You Must Learn To Love More" on BlogTalk Radio from 11:30am -12pm PST. Click here to learn more or to register

Read more from Dr. Daniyel Willis on relationships in BLMD - Conversations and Thoughts on Relationships

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