Toxic Behaviors that Wear
You Out and Hurt Others
Your behavior is a little thing that makes a big difference.
In my line of work, I hear from hundreds of relationship
challenges every month. Through this
experience, I’ve come across scores of toxic behaviors that push people away
from each other. And I’ve witnessed the
devastation these behaviors cause – to relationships, to personal and
professional growth, and to the general well-being of both the individual
behaving negatively, and to everyone in their life.
Let’s be honest – we’ve all acted in toxic, damaging ways at
one time or another. None of us are
immune to occasional toxic mood swings, but many people are more evolved,
balanced and aware, and such occurrences happen only rarely in their lives. Whether your toxic behavior is a common occurrence, or just
a once in a blue moon phenomena, it’s critical for your long-term happiness and
success that you are able to recognize when you’re behaving negatively, and consciously
shift your mindset when necessary.
The most common toxic behaviors I see are:
Being envious of
everyone else. – Don’t let envy (or jealously) get the best of you. Envy is the art of counting someone else’s
blessings instead of your own. There is
nothing attractive or admirable about this behavior. So stop
comparing your journey with everyone else’s. Your journey is YOUR journey, NOT a
competition. You are in competition with
one person and one person only – yourself.
You are competing to be the best you can be. If you want to measure your progress, compare
yourself to who you were yesterday.
Taking everything
too personally. – People are toxic to be around when they believe that
everything happening around them is a direct assault on them or is in some way
all about them. The truth is that what
people say and do to you is much more about them, than you. People’s reactions to you are about their
perspectives, wounds and experiences.
Whether people think you’re amazing, or believe you’re the worst, again,
is more about them. I’m not suggesting
we should be narcissists and ignore all feedback. I am saying that so much hurt, disappointment and sadness in our lives comes from our taking
things personally. In most cases
it’s far more productive and healthy to let go of other people’s good or bad
opinion of you, and to operate with your own intuition and wisdom as your
guide.
Acting like you’re
always a victim. – Another toxic behavior is persistent complaining that
fuels your sense of victimization.
Believing you’re a victim, that you have no power to exert and no power
over the direction of your life, is a toxic stance that keeps you stuck. Working as a relationship coach with people
who have suffered major trauma in their lives but found the courage to turn it
all around, I know we all have access to far more power, authority, and
influence over our lives than we initially believe. When you stop complaining, and refuse to see
yourself as a helpless victim, you’ll find that you are more powerful than you
realized, but only if you choose to accept this reality.
Hoarding pain and
loss. – One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go – whether it’s
guilt, anger, love or loss. Change is
never easy – you fight to hold on and you fight to let go. But oftentimes letting go is the healthiest path forward. It clears out toxic thoughts from the
past. You’ve got to emotionally free
yourself from the things that once meant a lot to you, so you can move beyond
the past and the pain it brings you.
Again, it takes hard work to let go and refocus your thoughts, but it’s
worth every bit of effort you can muster.
Obsessive negative
thinking. – It’s very hard to be around people who refuse to let go of
negativity – when they ruminate and speak incessantly about the terrible things
that could happen and have happened, the scorns they’ve suffered, and the
unfairness of life. These people
stubbornly refuse to see the positive side of life and the positive lessons
from what’s happening. Pessimism is one
thing – but remaining perpetually locked in a negative mindset is another. Only seeing the negative, and operating from
a view that everything is negative and against you, is a twisted way of thinking
and living, and you can change that.
Lack of emotional
self-control. – An inability to manage your emotions is toxic to everyone
around you. We all know these people –
those who explode in anger and tears over the smallest hiccup or problem. Yelling at the grocery store clerk for the
long line, screaming at an employee for a small error she made, or losing it
with your daughter for spilling juice on the floor. If you find that you’re overly emotional,
losing your cool at every turn, you may need some outside assistance to help
you gain control over your emotions and understand what’s at the root of your
inner angst. There’s more to it than
what appears on the surface. An
independent perspective – and a new kind of support – can work wonders.
Making superficial
judgments about others. – Don’t always judge a person by what they show
you. Remember, what you’ve seen is
oftentimes only what that person has chosen to show you, or what they were
driven to show based on their inner stress and pain. Alas, when another person tries to make you
suffer in some small way, it is usually because they suffer deep within
themselves. Their suffering is simply
spilling over. They do not need
punishment or ridicule, they need help.
If you can’t help them, let them be.
Cruelty (or
lacking empathy and compassion). – One of the most toxic behaviors –
cruelty – stems from a total lack of empathy, concern or compassion for
others. We see it every day online and
in the media – people being devastatingly unkind and hurtful to others just
because they can. They tear people down
online in a cowardly way, using their anonymity as a shield. Cruelty, backstabbing, and hurting others for
any reason is toxic, and it hurts you as well.
If you find yourself backstabbing and tearing someone else down, stop in
your tracks. Dig deep and find
compassion in your heart, and realize that we’re all in this together.
Cheating and
cutting moral corners simply because you can. – Cheating is a choice, not a
mistake, and not an excuse! If you
decide to cheat, and you succeed in cheating someone out of something, don’t
think that this person is a fool.
Realize that this person trusted you much more than you ever
deserved. Be bigger than that. Don’t do immoral things simply because you
can. Don’t cheat. Be honest with yourself and everyone
else. Do the right thing. Integrity is the essence of everything
successful.
Hiding your
truth. – People cannot connect with you if you’re constantly trying to hide
from yourself. And this becomes a truly
toxic situation the minute they become attached to your false persona. So remember, no matter what age, race, sex,
or sexuality you are, underneath all your external decorations you are a pure,
beautiful being – each and every one of us are.
We each have light to shine, and missions to accomplish.
Celebrate being different, off the beaten path, a little on the weird
side, your own special creation. If
you find yourself feeling like a fish out of water, by all means find a new
river to swim in. But DO NOT change who
you are; BE who you are. Don’t deny
yourself, improve yourself. (Read The
Untethered Soul.)
Needing constant
validation. – People who constantly strive for validation by others are
exhausting to be around. Those men and
women who get caught up in the need to prove their worth over and over and
over, and constantly want to win over everyone around them, are unintentionally
toxic and draining. Know this. Over-attaching
to how things have to look to others can wear you out and bring everyone else
around you down. There is a bigger
picture to your life, and it’s not about what you achieve in the eyes of the
masses. It’s about the journey, the
process, the path – what you’re learning, how you’re helping others learn too,
and the growing process you allow yourself to participate in.
Being a stubborn
perfectionist. – As human beings, we often chase hypothetical, static
states of perfection. We do so when we
are searching for the perfect house, job, friend or lover. The problem, of course, is that perfection
doesn’t exist in a static state. Life is a continual journey, constantly
evolving and changing. What is here
today is not exactly the same tomorrow – that perfect house, job, friend or
lover will eventually fade to a state of imperfection. But with a little patience and an open mind,
over time, that imperfect house evolves into a comfortable home. That imperfect job evolves into a rewarding
career. That imperfect friend evolves
into a steady shoulder to lean on. And
that imperfect lover evolves into a reliable lifelong companion. It’s just a matter of letting perfectionism
GO.
Want more behavior advice like this? Get your copy Boys Lie Men Don't - Conversations and Thoughts on Relationships today and read more of how men and women can stop unintentionally hurting and draining each other.
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